There are three things that I hear as a chaplain from people who are counting down the days of their lives. I’ve heard these things as both a hospital chaplain and as a hospice chaplain. These patients have the same common denominator and that is that they are dying and they know it.

Here are the three things that I hear from dying patients: 1) I don’t want to suffer in pain in my dying; 2) I am grieving for the family I’m leaving behind, not for me; 3) I want to be strong for my family in my dying.

The first thing is self-explanatory because no one wants a painful death. The second point is simply stating that most dying patients are more worried about their family than they are their own afterlife. It is the third point that I wish to speak to here in this blog post.

I’ve found that when I hear a dying patient express I want to be strong for my family in my dying or something similar, I always try to explore what that “being strong” looks like to them. Fortunately, nearly all see their strength as an emotional accomplishment rather than maintaining a physical strength.

Part of the dying process is the weakening of the body. We’ve all seen a family member or a friend or even a celebrity who had been on a cancer journey battling whatever form of cancer they may have been facing, and the gauntness they project is simply shocking. The strength most dying patients want to project is not physical but emotional.

It’s a worthy objective to want to be strong for your family as you process your final days, weeks, and months, but the best way to do that is by staying in family and not hiding away behind close doors. It may be that at some point the dying person may have to retreat behind bedroom doors because that’s where the hospice bed is located. However, staying part of the family, present among the family for as long as possible is a good way to do that.

Being among the family is always a good way your children and grandchildren can see how their dying loved one is coping and processing the physical demise. That is strength. Dealing with dying is showing strength. Showing strength doesn’t mean you don’t get emotional, because you will shed tears. Dying is saying goodbye, and goodbyes are sad. Strength is going through it despite the emotions and the sadness.

It’s OK to show your pain and your need for pain medicine. If your illness or disease is causing you pain, take the medicine you can be comfortable. Taking the pain medicine does not show weakness of character but rather you would be showing strength by managing it so you can increase your quality of life.

I think the most impact a dying loved one can make upon their family is to be authentic with the process before family. Dealing with dying requires strength and as one authentically does that, no one is ever going to remember a dying person as being too emotionally weak.